I am not particularly competent at taking verbal instruction and this confuses me because I can remember at the age of 9, thinking - "I may not be very good at conversation but at least I'm a good listener." In hindsight it seems that I wasn't very good at that either. At the age of 6 my tonsils were removed to improve my hearing. I have no idea whether the operation worked or not, but I suspect I was born not listening.
In my world there are many types of not-listening:
1 Bored
2 Distracted
3 Hyperfocused
4 Talker going too fast
5 Secondary noise blocks input channel
6 Heard but forgot immediately
7 Think I know better!
8 Asleep
Of all of these " blocked input channel" causes me the greatest difficulty. It is most evident when I am on the phone and a caller is relaying important information. Any loud background noise silences the caller as if the line was suddenly cut off. I could never work in a call centre unless I had my own little soundproof room. I know this phenomena influences my life beyond the phone but what you don't hear doesn't bother you so I rely on friends and relations to tell me when I have missed a world event.
"Talker going too fast" is also a major problem, particularly when they are giving instructions. Walking away from a conversation when you haven't grasped the crux of the matter destroys confidence. The only way I have found to deal with this is to dive in head first, the very second comprehension ceases, and say "I haven't got a clue what you're talking about". This way there is no shame. After all conversation is a dual responsibility and some people are hopeless at delivering.
"Heard but forgot immediately" is also a problem for me but not in the way you might think. My brain takes in information and then hides it for a while. If the hiding place is deep then it takes a while for the information to be available for my consciousness to use. Any time from 2 seconds to 2 months is the norm
for my memories to float back up to the surface. Its not that I don't have good memory, its that the access to that memory is random. I try to write things down that are important because I can never be sure when my memory will pop into view.
Most of the others don't bother me but they drive other people nuts. If I am bored, distracted, hyperfocused or asleep then I am probably in dull company and I have retreated into my own introverted world. It is amazing how many of us attempt conversation without having established a connection first and then wonder why the other person hasn't heard a word we have said.
Finally on the subject of "Think I know better", I am shamefully guilty. As we get older we start to realise that our elders were wiser than we thought and we were fools not to listen. It is the youngsters coming up behind that show us the truth, when their "Think I know better" egos rise up. Experience and maturity can deliver conversations of gold and of all the words spoken, these are, without doubt, the nuggets worth listening to.
Friday, 7 September 2012
Friday, 31 August 2012
Reading Explored
I love books so much that if I was marooned in a library I would consider myself to have landed in heaven. Consequently, you might think that I am a good reader but alas you would be mistaken.
When I open a book I usually start in the middle and scan a few pages, I then go to the end for the conclusion, jump to the beginning, hop to the middle again and then read 10 lines of the preface. I continue to jump about at great speed absorbing stuff until the excitement dies down and I start to feel guilty. It is then that I start dutifully at page 1 and discover that I have already read 75% of the book. At this point I feel cheated because what should have been a relaxing evening's read has taken an exhausting half hour.
My style of jumbled reading is not only limited to books but also encompasses films which I enjoy equally well in any sort of order. Taking in information out of sequence may not work with punchline jokes but with almost everything else the enjoyment is untainted. In fact many film producers use this technique with effect as flashback scenes.
I find it hard to read lists, instructions, voting papers and forms. They demand total concentration, attention to detail, good working memory and discipline. I prefer to read for clues, flavour, poetry, cadence, reassurance and emotional nuggets, all of which require an altogether different form of comprehension.
The slower I read the less I understand as my brain hyperfocuses on the letters, spoiling the sentiment as the rhythm is lost. Browsing quickly seems to favour comprehension and if this is some variety of "speed reading" then no language teacher has ever taught it to me. On the other hand, perhaps I didn't listen but that is a different story.
When I open a book I usually start in the middle and scan a few pages, I then go to the end for the conclusion, jump to the beginning, hop to the middle again and then read 10 lines of the preface. I continue to jump about at great speed absorbing stuff until the excitement dies down and I start to feel guilty. It is then that I start dutifully at page 1 and discover that I have already read 75% of the book. At this point I feel cheated because what should have been a relaxing evening's read has taken an exhausting half hour.
My style of jumbled reading is not only limited to books but also encompasses films which I enjoy equally well in any sort of order. Taking in information out of sequence may not work with punchline jokes but with almost everything else the enjoyment is untainted. In fact many film producers use this technique with effect as flashback scenes.
I find it hard to read lists, instructions, voting papers and forms. They demand total concentration, attention to detail, good working memory and discipline. I prefer to read for clues, flavour, poetry, cadence, reassurance and emotional nuggets, all of which require an altogether different form of comprehension.
The slower I read the less I understand as my brain hyperfocuses on the letters, spoiling the sentiment as the rhythm is lost. Browsing quickly seems to favour comprehension and if this is some variety of "speed reading" then no language teacher has ever taught it to me. On the other hand, perhaps I didn't listen but that is a different story.
Wednesday, 29 August 2012
Sequencing
I am a hopeless story teller or on a more mundane level, I am a hopeless relator of incident. People get really impatient, bored, confused or threatened when I talk and it upsets me because I feel only love, enthusiasm and joy.
It seems that most people are adept at sequencing their thoughts. Their arguments may not be worthy of a gold star but at least their jist is crystal clear. This characteristic is eloquence and it appears to be a trait I do not have.
My thoughts land on my consciousness in a higgelty-piggelty manner and as a child I preferred not to talk or interact with those who demanded instant verbal clarity. As a young adult I learnt that I had stuff worth saying but my artificial approach to sequencing did not hit the eloquent button and I was continually faced with a blank expression. My best social interactions are always founded in "fun and games" where I can dish out my inner joy and connect with the resultant smiling faces. On the other hand I find parties particularly difficult as they combine lots of verbal exchange with competing noise, uncertain activity, awkward silences, drunken fools and lots and lots of pretence.
Yes I am a party pooper, but the truth is that I do love being with people. Although an introvert most of the time, I am aware that a shared experience is a gold star event. Learning to connect with people is one of my life long ambitions and to do this I am attempting to sequence my thoughts more eloquently.
If I was to talk as ideas come into my head, I would present a jumble of images and words. They make sense to me as my brain understands their connection. Even after years of practice, when I am put under pressure to deliver an eloquent answer, I either say "I don't know" to escape or I "mumble" the jumble or worse still I deliver a deep well thought out philosphical rant. I am subsequently labelled stupid, confused or off the planet, none of which contributes to the joy of companionship. I still have a lot to learn.
It would seem that sequencing thought to fit accepted social verbal patterns is not my thing. Writing is a much easier medium to present one's ideas. The problem is that writing allows creativity more opportunities to develop and in a world where quick social "twittery" exchange is all that most people have time for, I feel that I am back to square one - alone with my unsequenced thoughts.
It seems that most people are adept at sequencing their thoughts. Their arguments may not be worthy of a gold star but at least their jist is crystal clear. This characteristic is eloquence and it appears to be a trait I do not have.
My thoughts land on my consciousness in a higgelty-piggelty manner and as a child I preferred not to talk or interact with those who demanded instant verbal clarity. As a young adult I learnt that I had stuff worth saying but my artificial approach to sequencing did not hit the eloquent button and I was continually faced with a blank expression. My best social interactions are always founded in "fun and games" where I can dish out my inner joy and connect with the resultant smiling faces. On the other hand I find parties particularly difficult as they combine lots of verbal exchange with competing noise, uncertain activity, awkward silences, drunken fools and lots and lots of pretence.
Yes I am a party pooper, but the truth is that I do love being with people. Although an introvert most of the time, I am aware that a shared experience is a gold star event. Learning to connect with people is one of my life long ambitions and to do this I am attempting to sequence my thoughts more eloquently.
If I was to talk as ideas come into my head, I would present a jumble of images and words. They make sense to me as my brain understands their connection. Even after years of practice, when I am put under pressure to deliver an eloquent answer, I either say "I don't know" to escape or I "mumble" the jumble or worse still I deliver a deep well thought out philosphical rant. I am subsequently labelled stupid, confused or off the planet, none of which contributes to the joy of companionship. I still have a lot to learn.
It would seem that sequencing thought to fit accepted social verbal patterns is not my thing. Writing is a much easier medium to present one's ideas. The problem is that writing allows creativity more opportunities to develop and in a world where quick social "twittery" exchange is all that most people have time for, I feel that I am back to square one - alone with my unsequenced thoughts.
Tuesday, 14 August 2012
Knowing your Neurotypical
No matter how diverse you think you are, there is always a part of you which is typical. It is as important to recognise and celebrate your neurotypical side as much as it is important to figure out your neurodiverse patterns.
On a hunch I am probably 65% diverse and 35% typical. I am lucky to have both, fairly well balanced in my life so I get to experience the best of both worlds. My mother has also a high percentage of neurodiversity and is often envious of some of the typical skillsets that I have that are beyond her. On the other hand she has typical abilities which are beyond me but which she hasn't yet learnt to rejoice in.
It is in the nature of mankind to focus on what he hasn't got and as we all know the grass is greener on the other side. There is a part of me that wants to switch my neural patterns around to 65% typical and 35% diverse as I think this would be a more manageable yet exciting mix. Unfortunately we don't get to choose so it is up to me keep positive about what is good on both sides of the equation.
I am typical in that I am sporty, I can read and write fairly well, I can converse with others, I am quite academic and pretty practical. All in all, on the surface, I am an average person and for that I am very thankful. Under the surface my diverse person gives myself and others joy when she is allowed to blossom.
On the down side, when my neurodiversity is blocked, my neurotypical gets trapped as my determination to follow my natural path becomes obsessive. The result is social suicide.
Some of us have been given so much diversity that survival is impossible without aid, and some of us are so typical that existance is a robotic version of "The Stepford Wives" . For those of us in the middle who are typically-diverse or diversely-typical life may be challenging or it may be comfortable but it is never boring and personally, I am very thankful for that.
On a hunch I am probably 65% diverse and 35% typical. I am lucky to have both, fairly well balanced in my life so I get to experience the best of both worlds. My mother has also a high percentage of neurodiversity and is often envious of some of the typical skillsets that I have that are beyond her. On the other hand she has typical abilities which are beyond me but which she hasn't yet learnt to rejoice in.
It is in the nature of mankind to focus on what he hasn't got and as we all know the grass is greener on the other side. There is a part of me that wants to switch my neural patterns around to 65% typical and 35% diverse as I think this would be a more manageable yet exciting mix. Unfortunately we don't get to choose so it is up to me keep positive about what is good on both sides of the equation.
I am typical in that I am sporty, I can read and write fairly well, I can converse with others, I am quite academic and pretty practical. All in all, on the surface, I am an average person and for that I am very thankful. Under the surface my diverse person gives myself and others joy when she is allowed to blossom.
On the down side, when my neurodiversity is blocked, my neurotypical gets trapped as my determination to follow my natural path becomes obsessive. The result is social suicide.
Some of us have been given so much diversity that survival is impossible without aid, and some of us are so typical that existance is a robotic version of "The Stepford Wives" . For those of us in the middle who are typically-diverse or diversely-typical life may be challenging or it may be comfortable but it is never boring and personally, I am very thankful for that.
Finding Appreciation
Many neurodiverse folk have great difficulty in finding appreciation. More often than not their demeanour can be seen as threatening in a neurotypical world of correctness. The result is, more often than not, countless moments of bad feed back. The Neurodiverse have a lot to contribute to the world and it seems a shame that their talents are rarely acknowledged.
I have always found groups difficult as I am never in tune with groups' moods. Most of the time I find group intent confusing and their mood is all I see. As soon as I open my mouth I find myself outcast until a few weeks later they are doing what I had originally suggested. As a diverse and lateral thinker, I have learnt that my words jar on impact but more often than not a seed is sown which others come to appreciate in time.
The neurodiverse have to be self-sufficient in appreciation because the neurotypical world can be blind to the refreshing contributions that diverse folk make. They add a depth to society which is rarely understood and are quite often ridiculed. As a diverse person it helps if you learn to recognise the long term effects of your contribution as opposed to looking for instant gratification from those around you.
It also helps if you have found your natural habitat because a diverse thinker working in their zone is unbeatable. It is a rare person that does not appreciate magic or excellence and the neurodiverse are capable of producing both if allowed to. In my experience good work is blocked not by its difficulty but by its strange process which cannot be accepted by the neurotypical world. Diverse people often have to be very determined to demand that their process is allowed and the resulting social conflict often sours the result.
The path to appreciation is not easy for the Neurodiverse but it is possible to feel valued if you can accept that society's thanks to you will arrive in a diverse way.
I have always found groups difficult as I am never in tune with groups' moods. Most of the time I find group intent confusing and their mood is all I see. As soon as I open my mouth I find myself outcast until a few weeks later they are doing what I had originally suggested. As a diverse and lateral thinker, I have learnt that my words jar on impact but more often than not a seed is sown which others come to appreciate in time.
The neurodiverse have to be self-sufficient in appreciation because the neurotypical world can be blind to the refreshing contributions that diverse folk make. They add a depth to society which is rarely understood and are quite often ridiculed. As a diverse person it helps if you learn to recognise the long term effects of your contribution as opposed to looking for instant gratification from those around you.
It also helps if you have found your natural habitat because a diverse thinker working in their zone is unbeatable. It is a rare person that does not appreciate magic or excellence and the neurodiverse are capable of producing both if allowed to. In my experience good work is blocked not by its difficulty but by its strange process which cannot be accepted by the neurotypical world. Diverse people often have to be very determined to demand that their process is allowed and the resulting social conflict often sours the result.
The path to appreciation is not easy for the Neurodiverse but it is possible to feel valued if you can accept that society's thanks to you will arrive in a diverse way.
Monday, 13 August 2012
Finding Your Habitat
No matter what your weaknesses are in mainstream society, if you find the right habitat for your skillset then you will find balance in your life.
Neurodiverse folk require habitats that are quite alien to the neurotypical world and it can be a lifelong battle to find your tranquil place, strong castle or cosy nest. I first experienced a sense of my natural habitat when I stumbled across a ruined cottage at the age of 12. It sat on the top of a Scottish hill called Bunillidh and it became an icon for my dreams. Bunillidh represented escape from social pressures, a place where I could be myself and where only people with substance and grit would dare visit. As it turned out, life is not so simple and I have been hunting for my Bunillidh ever since.
Everyone has their own ideal habitat and one of the reasons why the neurotypical world can be so condescending is that they are simply protecting their own comfortable spot. Neurodiverse folk, with their vast range of strange habits, threaten, confuse and complicate the typical world. Diverse people have to work hard to fit in socially but it is in the workplace and home that things can become impossible. The search for habitat becomes critical to mental health.
The typical workplace revolves around the idea of "optimisation", because the economy demands the best service for the best possible price. Diverse ideas are usually in conflict with this and it is a rare business which is able to enclose neurodiversity within its optimisation package. It is up to those who are able to go it alone in the business world to show how optimum does not necessarily mean typical and create jobs for those neurodiverse workers who feel able but discounted for their lack of standardisation. Finding your ideal workplace habitat can be extraordinarily difficult, even in the neurotypical world, but for the neurodiverse who fails to slot in, the knock on effect into home life can be devastating.
Houses are built for the average person and if they are modified to suit the diverse then they usually become devalued. If you are a person who has moved around a lot then you can become trapped in alien habitats or risk losing thousands every year making and undoing property modifications. It is so important for the mental, emotional and physical health of diverse people that they may be allowed to mould their surroundings to their needs without having to win the lottery to do so. Governing officials and regulators often cause extreme and unnecessary hardship for diverse folk because their obsession with "best practice" is focussed on the neurotypical world.
In my experience the workplace habitat has been the hardest to find with social habitat a close second. Although I still haven't found my dream Bunillidh, I am now living in my optimised Bunillidh which should allow me to be who I am without the neurotypicals feeling uncomfortable when they visit - and if I achieve that, a miracle will have happened and I will finally rest.
Neurodiverse folk require habitats that are quite alien to the neurotypical world and it can be a lifelong battle to find your tranquil place, strong castle or cosy nest. I first experienced a sense of my natural habitat when I stumbled across a ruined cottage at the age of 12. It sat on the top of a Scottish hill called Bunillidh and it became an icon for my dreams. Bunillidh represented escape from social pressures, a place where I could be myself and where only people with substance and grit would dare visit. As it turned out, life is not so simple and I have been hunting for my Bunillidh ever since.
Everyone has their own ideal habitat and one of the reasons why the neurotypical world can be so condescending is that they are simply protecting their own comfortable spot. Neurodiverse folk, with their vast range of strange habits, threaten, confuse and complicate the typical world. Diverse people have to work hard to fit in socially but it is in the workplace and home that things can become impossible. The search for habitat becomes critical to mental health.
The typical workplace revolves around the idea of "optimisation", because the economy demands the best service for the best possible price. Diverse ideas are usually in conflict with this and it is a rare business which is able to enclose neurodiversity within its optimisation package. It is up to those who are able to go it alone in the business world to show how optimum does not necessarily mean typical and create jobs for those neurodiverse workers who feel able but discounted for their lack of standardisation. Finding your ideal workplace habitat can be extraordinarily difficult, even in the neurotypical world, but for the neurodiverse who fails to slot in, the knock on effect into home life can be devastating.
Houses are built for the average person and if they are modified to suit the diverse then they usually become devalued. If you are a person who has moved around a lot then you can become trapped in alien habitats or risk losing thousands every year making and undoing property modifications. It is so important for the mental, emotional and physical health of diverse people that they may be allowed to mould their surroundings to their needs without having to win the lottery to do so. Governing officials and regulators often cause extreme and unnecessary hardship for diverse folk because their obsession with "best practice" is focussed on the neurotypical world.
In my experience the workplace habitat has been the hardest to find with social habitat a close second. Although I still haven't found my dream Bunillidh, I am now living in my optimised Bunillidh which should allow me to be who I am without the neurotypicals feeling uncomfortable when they visit - and if I achieve that, a miracle will have happened and I will finally rest.
Thursday, 9 August 2012
Strange Habits
It is a challenge to live in the modern world when your mind works in diverse ways. Life demands a great deal of organisation to survive respectably in an alien neurotypical society. I have spent a lifetime trying to figure out how to fit in and I really wasn't making any progress until I discovered that my mental approach to life was simply different.
The four main differences between myself and our modern regulated society exist within the concepts of time, sequences, boundaries and language. To connect with a world obsessed with clocks, repetitive work, dogma and nomenclature I have developed my own set of interfaces or strange habits.
My mind has little interest in the idea of timekeeping. It reacts very well to artificial deadlines such as exam pressure, but generally speaking it is driven by immediate focus and long term concepts. I have great difficulty with daily routine and all the usual tips, like making lists, are a total waste of time. Instead I have come up with my own aid which I call "Rooms". I use the objects in my household rooms as memory triggers to tell me what chores I have to do for the day. All I have to do is visit each room and give each object some attention. I have to be constantly on guard for hyperfocusing as I can go deeper and deeper into a task without knowing it and subsequently neglect other critical duties.
I also have great trouble with sequenced tasks such as cooking, assembly work, reading instructions and dancing routines. Of these, cooking has been the least avoidable so causes me the greatest daily stress. Unable to follow or remember recipes, I have learnt to "Cook on the Hoof" which means that I don't know what I am going to make until it is finished. The biggest challenge is to store a variety of ingredients in my larder which will contribute to an acceptable meal on the table.
My memory for dogma is absolutely appalling. Most people have a fairly stable notion of what is wrong or right but I struggle to set boundaries which are not tied to logic. Where folk do things "because it has always been done that way", I come a cropper because I must have reason. If reason can't be given and the sitution is critical, I am very happy to enter the world of faith for a short time. The trouble with faith is that it involves a certain type of memory chip which I don't have. Over time I struggle to remember what I am supposed to have faith in. Subsequently my logical brain has developed to be dominant and it drives most people up the wall when I get going! "Logic" works really well for me in my own world but can lead me into deep trouble in the "Neurotypical" world where rights and wrongs are based on historical precedent as opposed to moral logical reasoning.
Language is a real challenge for my brain and in particular verbal exchange is difficult. I find the telephone a nightmare and receiving vocal instruction is really tricky. Subjects at school which involved a lot of illogical nomenclature were especially difficult and my ability to perform well in these areas did not reflect my interest in those topics. As a child I was exceptionally lucky because my mother was a special needs teacher. When I was thirteen and off school sick, my mother was appalled by the illegible notes I had written from class verbal instruction. Never being able to keep up with what was being said I would scribble frantically. She asked me to rewrite them neatly and in the process I learnt the subjects properly for the first time. Immediately my exam results rose by 20% and academically I never looked back. Even today I have to write things down twice to comprehend what has been said.
My strange habits are time consuming and tiring but they only exist to help me integrate with the neurotypical world. I don't need them to survive in the natural world, a place where I am much more efficient. Clocks, rules, sequences and labels exist primarily for the benefit of efficient human interaction. Although I recognise their value in the neurotypical world, in my natural habitat I would gladly consign them all to the garbage.
The four main differences between myself and our modern regulated society exist within the concepts of time, sequences, boundaries and language. To connect with a world obsessed with clocks, repetitive work, dogma and nomenclature I have developed my own set of interfaces or strange habits.
My mind has little interest in the idea of timekeeping. It reacts very well to artificial deadlines such as exam pressure, but generally speaking it is driven by immediate focus and long term concepts. I have great difficulty with daily routine and all the usual tips, like making lists, are a total waste of time. Instead I have come up with my own aid which I call "Rooms". I use the objects in my household rooms as memory triggers to tell me what chores I have to do for the day. All I have to do is visit each room and give each object some attention. I have to be constantly on guard for hyperfocusing as I can go deeper and deeper into a task without knowing it and subsequently neglect other critical duties.
I also have great trouble with sequenced tasks such as cooking, assembly work, reading instructions and dancing routines. Of these, cooking has been the least avoidable so causes me the greatest daily stress. Unable to follow or remember recipes, I have learnt to "Cook on the Hoof" which means that I don't know what I am going to make until it is finished. The biggest challenge is to store a variety of ingredients in my larder which will contribute to an acceptable meal on the table.
My memory for dogma is absolutely appalling. Most people have a fairly stable notion of what is wrong or right but I struggle to set boundaries which are not tied to logic. Where folk do things "because it has always been done that way", I come a cropper because I must have reason. If reason can't be given and the sitution is critical, I am very happy to enter the world of faith for a short time. The trouble with faith is that it involves a certain type of memory chip which I don't have. Over time I struggle to remember what I am supposed to have faith in. Subsequently my logical brain has developed to be dominant and it drives most people up the wall when I get going! "Logic" works really well for me in my own world but can lead me into deep trouble in the "Neurotypical" world where rights and wrongs are based on historical precedent as opposed to moral logical reasoning.
Language is a real challenge for my brain and in particular verbal exchange is difficult. I find the telephone a nightmare and receiving vocal instruction is really tricky. Subjects at school which involved a lot of illogical nomenclature were especially difficult and my ability to perform well in these areas did not reflect my interest in those topics. As a child I was exceptionally lucky because my mother was a special needs teacher. When I was thirteen and off school sick, my mother was appalled by the illegible notes I had written from class verbal instruction. Never being able to keep up with what was being said I would scribble frantically. She asked me to rewrite them neatly and in the process I learnt the subjects properly for the first time. Immediately my exam results rose by 20% and academically I never looked back. Even today I have to write things down twice to comprehend what has been said.
My strange habits are time consuming and tiring but they only exist to help me integrate with the neurotypical world. I don't need them to survive in the natural world, a place where I am much more efficient. Clocks, rules, sequences and labels exist primarily for the benefit of efficient human interaction. Although I recognise their value in the neurotypical world, in my natural habitat I would gladly consign them all to the garbage.
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